Love
This chapter comes from my book, Courtship Study: Dating or Courtship….Which
is Biblical!
“either [by] complete abstinence or unmitigated
monogamy…..we have been closing up the
way of escape. We have done this through the poets and novelists by persuading
humans that a curious, and usually short-lived, experience which they call
‘being in love’ is the only respectable ground for marriage; that marriage can,
and ought to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does
not do so is no longer binding. This idea is our parody of the idea that came
from the Enemy…. You can thus get the humans to accept as rhetorical eulogies
of ‘being in love’ what were in fact plain descriptions of sexual intercourse.
The truth is that whenever a man lies with a woman, there, whether they like it
or not, a transcendental relation is set up between them which must be
eternally enjoyed or eternally endured. From the true statement that this
transcendental relation was intended to produce, and, if obediently entered
into, too often will produce, affection and the family, humans can be made to
infer the false belief that the blend of affection, fear, and desire which they
call ‘being in love’ is the only thing that makes a marriage either happy or
holy.”
The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis
True Love = Commitment
As the quote by C.S. Lewis describes the
importance of love: sexual expression is not merely “being in love.” Sexual
union unites a man and a woman in a Heavenly design: marriage. Two souls become
one. Aged men and women, as you may notice around your church or neighborhood,
can finish each other’s sentences and know what each other are thinking. They
even wait patiently, sometimes with a smile as they listen to their beloved
speak. Do not fall prey to emotion alone. Emotion is great and we know that sex
feels great because God created it for not only procreation, but for enjoyment
and pleasure between a husband and wife in marriage. But Satan seeks to get us
to take bites “of the forbidden fruit” when in reality, the fruit is only
forbidden until marriage because of how delightful it tastes. If we partake of
it too early, we will not be able to control ourselves properly. We need the
accountability within marriage and the commitment
to truly enjoy the passion.
You can partake of sex without ever engaging
in the physical act. Why do you think so many are addicted to porn? Why do so
many young girls giggle over the latest boy band? Are they merely “in love” or
are they “in love with the emotional feelings of ‘being in love’”? Guys are no
different, we make a lot more decisions on feeling than some may realize. The
difference is that women primarily desire to have intimate and exciting
feelings, whereas, most men long for the pleasure of physical contact. Women
are “turned on” by touch. That is why the Scripture tells us to be careful:
It is good for a man not to
touch a woman.
Nevertheless, to avoid
fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own
husband.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2 (KJV)
We
must guard our emotions—that is largely what this book is about. Far too
often, dating has the goal of simply getting the feeling of “being in love.”
And once that feeling is over—ya, you know what happens: the couple breaks up
and after a while probably start seeing other people and the same things
happens again. This kind of consumerism in intimacy prepares people for
divorce. By the way, dating was not around until the creation of the
automobile. Before then, courtship was expected. If a young man kept coming to
a young lady’s house to talk, people expected them to get married. Is that
legalistic or overkill? No, it is very wise.
Do not get involved with the opposite
sex in “a relationship” until you are absolutely ready to commit. To determine
if you are ready, you both need the blessing of your parents. True love
commits—it stays through the thick and the thin. It takes care of each other
when one of you has bad breath or is spilling your guts out because of the
stomach flu: it’s not a pretty picture but depicts true love for another. True
love sacrifices yourself and defers to the other’s needs and preferences in
marriage.
Look at how God describes love (God does not describe love as an emotion,
but as a committed decision):
Though
I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am
become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2 And
though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and
all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains,
and have not charity, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all
my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and
have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 4 Charity suffereth long,
and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself,
is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself
unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh
no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all
things, hopeth all things, endureth all
things. 8 Charity never
faileth 1 Corinth-ians 13:1-8 (KJV), emphasis added
Until and when marital love comes our way
(if it is the Lord’s will for us), we are to treat the opposite sex in the following
way:
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him
as a father; and the younger
men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with
all purity.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (KJV)
If you’re a woman, respect other young
men as if they were your brother and older men as if they were your father. If
you’re a man, treat younger women as if they were your sister and older women
as if they were your mother. If we practiced this one thing, we would maintain
purity and the whole dilemma of “relationships” in our culture would be gone.
Until God opens the door for marriage,
we are to wait patiently: not with longing hearts pining away for marriage and
dwelling on it from day to day, but rather about our Father’s business: serving
the Lord, close to members of the Family of God in a local church, redeeming
the time through our work, praying for our future spouse to be a Biblical man
of character or a Biblical woman of virtue, and preparing for future marriage
by pursuing wisdom through having the Holy Spirit teach us as we read the Word
of God (STOP AND READ: 1 John 2:27), listening to those older than us to mine
their wisdom, and focusing our hearts on the Lord first and foremost; for if we
place Christ first, then He will provide everything we need in His perfect
timing as a blessing; not as an anxiously awaited necessity (Matthew 6, 6:33)
