Literature
Review of 30+ Books On
Marriage,
Courtship, and Purity
Introduction to the Chapter
Many books have been written over the last
two decades on the subjects of marriage, purity, relationships, and how men and
women are wired. In this review, major voices in the Dating-Courtship debate
such as Bill Gothard, Joshua Harris, Paul Jehle, and Voddie Baucham will be
examined. Particular emphasis has been given to printed publications as opposed
to online sources although several have been used. Due to this, a few of the
resources are quiet “old,” going back thirty years or more, yet they have been
analyzed because they have become classics on this paper’s topic. Purity and
wisdom in pre-marital relationships is a hard thing to maintain today, yet as
God’s Word, the differences between men and women, the fruit of dating and
courtship and history are examined, principles and understanding can be gleaned
and then applied that can successfully reach those two goals.
Jewish Betrothal and Marriage
The Jewish marriage was initiated by betrothal.
This began with the creation of a marriage covenant between a man and woman.
This covenant was often the result of a man taking the initiative to talk to
the father of the woman he wanted to wed. If an agreement was reached, a dowry
would be set for the man to pay. Upon payment to the father, a symbolic
ceremony in which the man and woman to be married drank from the same cup of
wine took place and thus the marriage covenant was set in place. The man and
woman were regarded as married; however, they remained apart for one year
during which the bride would prepare herself and the husband to be would
prepare housing for his new bride (Jewish Marriage Customs).
At the end of the twelve months, the
man would come to get his bride, usually at night, with a small wedding party.
The bride waited in expectancy with her female companions for the bridegroom to
come. Once he did come, the whole party of men and women took the Bride and
Groom to the wedding celebration at the man’s father’s home. The bride and
groom would then go into a bridal chamber and physically consummate the
marriage through intercourse. After their first sexual act was completed, the
groom would come out and announce the consummation to the guests and the bride
would stay in her chamber during seven days of feasting. At the end of those
days, the groom brought forth his bride and that was the wedding (Jewish
Marriage Customs).
Historic-ness of Courtship Prac-tices
Prior to the beginning of 1900, dating
was not around. If a man wanted to marry a young woman, he would hang out at
her house and talk to her. Relatives took this to mean that a proposal was
coming. But at the turn of the 20th century things changed, the car
was being mass produced and thus dating was created. Pre-marriage relationships
between young men and women moved from “front porch to backseat” (I Kissed
Dating Goodbye, 29). In addition, Paul Jehle says that “in other generations
when marriages took place close to the onset of puberty the years preceding
were preparation years (7).”
Characterizing Courtship
In Dating vs. Courtship, Paul Jehle
points out that dating cannot be Christianized (26). In addition, IBLP
(Institute in Basic Life Principles), Bill Gothard’s ministry, relates
courtship is only pursued when a man and woman are ready to commit in marriage
(The Difference Between Dating and Courtship); however, he goes onto explain
that courtship is not a commitment to marry the individual being courted (What
is Courtship?). Courtship is focused on elevating godly wisdom in the courtship
because this gives patience to both parties and it is pure (Boy Meets Girl
41,44). Courtship is meant to be a time to see who the man or woman you may
marry really is: the good, bad, and ugly (47). When you are attracted to
character, then you’re getting a firm foundation established (68). It is
important that the man pursues the woman with marriage in mind (26).
Adam was the leader and initiator in
Genesis and Eve was his helpmeet and companion; therefore, the man should
initiate the courtship (107). A man should not give a hint of being interested
in a young lady if he has no intention of proposing marriage (The Etiquette of
Engagement and Marriage).
The question that a man or woman is
asking when courting must not be do you love her? But what do you love about
her? (Principle of the Path, 64). Andy Stanley relates that after asking the
preceding question and getting an answer, as a pastor, he has refused to marry
many young couples (65). It is not that
courtship diminishes romance, but encourages that it not be awakened
prematurely (36). In all, the heart of the issue is that the motive behind the
relationship between a man and woman is more important than the technique used
(99). Intimacy is not needed to know who one is to marry (Passion and Purity, 127).
It is good for a man not to touch a woman (Marriage Plus, 209). Far too often a
restless spirit runs ahead of God’s plan (The Source of My Strength, 178). In
our pre-marriage relationships we will not answer to everybody, but we will to
God one day (I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 23). God will provide the right person to
marry (Sex, Love, & Romance, 17).
Characterizing Dating
Dating is often devoid of commitment (The
Difference Between Dating and Courtship) and focused on sensual lust (Dating
vs. Courtship 20-22). As Paul Jehle puts it, “Today…the couple is alone
immediately on a ‘date’ with the goal to arouse passions” (15). Dating is not
harmless, but has a foundation of deceptively bringing harm to the other party
in an attempt to fulfill one’s own selfish desires (i). Randy Alcorn adds
“Choose dates by character, not just appearance” (Guidelines for Sexual
Purity). Dating too often fuels romantic passion but has no commitment attached
to the other party (Boy Meets Girl, 85). Teenagers often maintain unwise
relationships thinking there will be no consequences, but they are choosing a
path that usually has undesirable ones (Principle of the Path, 65). Just because a couple’s emotions are on high
does not mean they are in love (What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About
Women, 88) and, often, dating causes discontentment with one’s singleness
(Dating vs. Courtship, 4).
Purity Must to Be Strived For
The basis of sexual fantasy is simply
thinking about sex—all the time (Faithful and True, 25) and if purity is going
to be achieved one has to kill the root: the wrong thoughts (55). To do this,
the wrong thoughts must be confronted, accountability set up and God’s gift of
confession set in motion (76,132,139). Lustful thoughts must be replaced with
Biblical faith (Dating vs. Courtship, 56). Boundaries must be built because
they provide safety and protection from backsliding (83). One will have to deal
with loneliness and the way to do so is to remain dependent on the Lord (The
Source of My Strength, 22). One will also have to stay alert by watching out
for three enemies: Satan, the World and your own lustful desires (Build Your
Walls, 21). There will be a dullness in one’s life if your purity is no longer
prized and protected (Passion and Purity, 23). Recognize that “God would not
tell you to abstain from impurity if it was impossible to obey him” (Guidelines
for Sexual Purity) and that “there is no purity apart from the blood of Jesus”
(Passion and Purity, 14).
We are to mortify our sinful passions as Romans
8:13 says and commit our desires to Christ (Passion and Purity, 95). But being
pure in body is not enough, you must also be pure in heart (What He Must Be,
167). Flee sexual temptation when it comes, that means run like Joseph in
Genesis 39 (Sex, Love, & Romance, 31)! Do whatever you must to protect your
purity (Guidelines for Sexual Purity). God requires holiness of His people
which means that one must learn how to abstain from his fleshly desires
(Effective Counseling Part 10, 7). Confess your secret sins God will forgive
(7). Then leave your sinful baggage at the foot of the cross, and walk forward
with a fresh start from Christ (I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 54-55, 112).
“True purity…is a direction, a
persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the
heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for
compromise” (88). King David fell when he was at home even though God wanted
him on the battlefield (89). It is ok to set your standards too high (95). Our
role in maintaining righteousness will only be achieved by two actions:
“destroy[ing] sin in its embryonic stage and fleeing temptation” (95).
Men and Women are Different
A man’s needs are not a woman’s (His
Needs Her Needs, 18). The Bible isn’t silent on the differences between men and
women (What’s the Difference, 20). As Genesis 2 shows, Adam was the leader and
Eve was his helper who is following His lead (KJV). It is important to note
that women usually set their expectations of men too high (Passion and Purity,
101). Elizabeth Elliot characterizes these distinctions by pointing out that
men are naturally initiators and women are naturally responders (110). God made
woman to fulfill man’s need (Living Happy Ever After, 7). “Man and woman have
different bodies, minds, emotions, and wills” (7).
Men and Their Characteristics
Men
are naturally drawn to women who are feminine and encouraging (Passion and
Purity, 106). They are also turned on by nudity, regardless of who the woman is
and what her character is like (What Wives Wish Their Husband’s Knew About
Women, 115). It is also widely known that men naturally desire sexual
interaction frequently (117).
God created the husband to express his
love for his wife by spiritually caring for her (The Christian Family, 129).
The Bible describes this function as “washing her in the Word” (Ephesians
5:25-26, KJV). It must be clarified, however, that when a man expresses his
love for his wife, he is not to be effeminate (Love & Respect, 122). Men are
to be leaders that accept their leadership responsibility to serve and
sacrifice for women (What’s The Difference, 21,22,28). Men have a
responsibility to provide and protect others (40). This is evidenced by the
fact that men typically think about things objectively and are generally
physically stronger than women (Marriage Plus, 62).
Men and Their Needs
From the beginning, man needed a helpmeet
(The Rise and Fall of Civilization, 78). But men also have a need for respect
(Love & Respect, 5). This is evidenced by the fact that men will often
interpret criticism as contempt (30). Men also have been created with a need to
conquer—to work and achieve (193). Men need someone to value what he does and
put faith in him (203). They also need to be told that their sacrifices to
provide and protect are valued (213-214). From the time of boyhood up through
old age, men need “the security of [having] responsibility and solid
leadership” (Dating vs. Courtship, 82).
Women and Their Characteristics
Women are often tempted to be initiators
(Passion and Purity, 98). Yet, the Bible teaches in Genesis 2:18-23 that the
woman was clearly made for the man, came from him, was brought to him by God,
and was named by him (What He Must Be, 97-100). Women tend to separate from the
majority of the men around them and are attracted only to the ones they respect
(What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, 116). Women uniquely have
been Satan’s targets for deception (Lies Young Women Believe). The Bible
confirms this by saying that in Genesis Adam was not the one that was deceived
by Satan, but Eve was (1 Timothy 2:14, KJV).
When women engage in sex, they are
concerned about feeling emotionally close, otherwise they feel like their
bodies have been used for prostitution (116). Women are chromosomally different
than men (132). As a result, women are naturally emotional,
relationship-oriented, and physically weaker than men (Marriage Plus, 62).
Scripture teaches in Titus 2, that women are to be pure, busy about the house,
and subject to their husbands (Titus 2:3-5, KJV). The “wife’s primary
responsibility is to give of herself, her time, and her energy to her husband,
children, and home” (The Christian Family, 47). This is evidenced by the fact
that married women usually do not want to work outside the home (His Needs Her
Needs, 124). When women do these things, they nurture and strengthen men’s
masculinity (What’s the Difference, 56).
Women and Their Needs
Women need and desire love (Love &
Respect, 5-6). In a marriage, the wife feels this love when she feels
emotionally close to her husband (133). A woman needs someone that she can be
open with and share her feelings (144). In addition, wives need a unified
family life (His Needs Her Needs, 146). From the time a woman is a girl up
through her old age, she needs “the security of being loved” (Dating vs.
Courtship, 82). Ultimately, only God can fill the void for love that a woman
has (Lies Young Women Believe). Yet, women need to submit to the male leader
God has placed over them because submitting to him places her under God’s
protection. If she rebels and separates from that authority, she opens herself
up to Satan’s deception (Lies Young Women Believe).
Feminism Plays Into the Mix
In the Bible, a harlot was pictured as a
self-willed woman (Living Happy Ever After, 20). In America, women are seeking
slavery as they leave the home to work (45). Feminism has resulted in women
clinging to their work instead of cuddling a child (46). As Ruth Harvey points
out, the feminist movement has turned women away from being the wives and
mothers God has created them to be (Becoming Behavior, 44). Today, Satan is
behind the attacks of femininity because he is seeking to redefine the woman (Lies
Young Women Believe).
Modesty Plays Into the Mix
The godly women in the Bible took care not
to turn men on by the way they dressed, appeared, or walked (Sex, Love, &
Romance, 13). God’s Word declares that men and women are to have different
clothing—it is an abomination for men to dress as women or women to dress as
men. Distinctions in clothing are important to God (Deuteronomy 22:5, KJV). The
Bible also teaches that women are supposed pay attention to wear modest
clothing and accompany it with meek character (1 Timothy 2:9, KJV). The first
woman to promote a miniskirt said that the miniskirt told the world that women
were read for sex in the afternoon (Sex, Love, & Romance, 47). Sadly, today
the white wedding dress which signifies purity is becoming a way for women to
expose their bodies (Becoming Behavior, 81). Soft, draping clothing does not
show off a woman’s body, but directs eyes to her face (84).
Sexuality
Satan wants to get us to worship sex to
draw us away from intimacy with God (The Screwtape Letters, 31). There is no
need to study how to have sex because God has hardwired it into us (Sex, Love,
& Romance, 3) and God has created sex to have three functions: procreation,
intimacy, and pleasure (Build Your Walls, 6-7). God is not opposed to
sexuality. He is the one that created it! He made it a pleasure for a man and
woman to share in throughout their marriage (Sex, Love, & Romance, 5). Yet,
marriage is the only method for two people uniting themselves to become one
flesh that is correct and God says that marriage binds till death (The
Christian Counselor’s Handbook, 102). Intimacy is not produced by sex. Rather
it is a product of it (Loving People, 180).
True love
The romantic world of a Christian is a
battleground that will either be conquered by his own lusts, Satan, or the
world’s pressures or yielded to Christ (Passion and Purity, 14). Love within
the Christian marriage is not about selfishly using each other, but about
deferring to the other’s desires (182). It must be understood that Romeo and
Juliet do not reveal love for each other, but youthful passion (What He Must
Be, 168). This is not to say that love
is not to be exciting, because it is—one’s life is becoming fused with
another’s (Real Life Answers, 3). Yet, sex is not synonymous with love (Sex,
Love, and Romance, 29). It is important to not be attracted by chemistry alone,
but to love someone romantically because of their character (Boy Meets Girl,
68).
True love is going to expose your
heart to someone else (Boy Meets Girl, 101); and it will cultivate a secure
relationship (Loving People, 27). This is evidenced in that a wife shows her
love for her husband when she listens and supports him (28). True love is an
act of the will and an action and it is not possible without God’s help (A
Young Woman’s Walk With God, 25-26,28).
Need for marriage
Marriage is not a bad thing, the Apostle
Paul himself recommended that young widows would get remarried because of its
benefits (1 Timothy 5:11-14, KJV). Marriage is a symbol of Jesus Christ’s
relationship to His Bride, the Church (The Christian Family, 30). God gave the
pattern for marriage by uniting Adam and Eve (Living Happy Ever After, 8).
Marriage is not to be treated flippantly, but to be honored (Hebrews, 13:4,
KJV). And as Ryan Messmore points out in his lecture The Family & Poverty, marriage not only fulfills God’s plan,
but it has been proven that marriage increases the wealth of men and women. In
a study on American sex, done by liberals, it was found that the “religious”
were the most sexually satisfied people (Lies Young Women Believe). Marriage is
important for the public good (Why Marriage Matters, 5).
Conclusion
Purity and wisdom in pre-marital
relationships is a hard thing to maintain today, yet as God’s Word, the
differences between men and women, the fruit of dating and courtship, and
history are examined, principles and understanding can be gleaned and then
applied that can successfully reach those two goals. The examination of these
literature sources clearly shows that men and women are different and have
different needs, purity is something that requires work, that sexuality was
created by God and is a good thing, that marriage is a good thing, and that
dating and courtship operate on different paradigms. And perhaps the most
obscure parts of this text—modesty and feminism—do affect the question of
dating or courtship.
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